


All You Do is Treat Me Bad

by ohanotherday



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Hale Fire, Anal Sex, Artificial Insemination, Everyone Knows About Werewolves, F/M, Frottage, Future Fic, Guys in Denial, Jealousy, M/M, Mpreg, Oblivious Dudes, Platonic Friends, The Back-up Plan AU, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-14
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohanotherday/pseuds/ohanotherday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles and Derek want kids. So what should they do? Artificial insemination of course because that's the most logical course of action for two dudes who are barely friends and only share the common goal of wanting children before they're forty. Duh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song "Baby Love" by The Supremes.

Stiles sighed into his pudding cup. Stiles loved his job. But he hated it. It was so much fun teaching third graders how to write in cursive and how to multiply numbers, but it sucked when at the age of 32, he had no kids to call his own. And the fact that his four friends' children attended the elementary he taught at was just such an awful reminder that he had failed to do the most basic thing by not getting pregnant. If sixteen year olds could do it, why couldn't he? Though sixteen year olds getting pregnant probably shouldn't be the basis of his argument.

But Allison and Scott were Stiles' age and they had two really wonderful kids. Olivia McCall was just the sweetest child Stiles ever taught. She had been so well-behaved when she was in his class last year, and it was so funny watching her switch between being teacher’s pet in the classroom and bully on the playground. But her bullying was usually always in the sake of defending poor Max Whittemore. If Max had been a girl, he might not have been picked on so viciously for being a redhead, but either way, his fights were always won by Olivia. Stiles had Max in his class this year, and while Max might not appreciate having his fights being fought by a girl, nobody could deny that Olivia had the best right hook at Beacon Hills Elementary School. But Stiles wanted what his friends had. All his friends’ kids were part of the Hale pack, despite only Erica and Boyd’s son being the only actual werewolf, but Stiles wanted that. A family within a family. And kids looking out for each other like brothers and sisters.

Stiles blamed his baby fever on his father. The gene for males being able to carry children was a recessive gene passed down through males, so it was totally his father’s fault. A small fault of his mom, since she must've carried a matching gene, but it was much rarer for male gene carriers, so it was all his dad's fault.

And it wasn't like Stiles wasn't trying to get pregnant. He was trying over and over. Mind you, he would’ve been fine with getting married, and he was only ever in totally consensual relationships having protected sex, but nobody ever wanted to put a ring on him. Cock rings, yes. Wedding rings, no. Stiles tried not to test the boundaries with the guys he dated. Never bringing up how much he wanted children until they mentioned it. Trying not to get too eager when boyfriends talked about marriage. But no matter what happened, eventually they would break up with him or he would break up with them. It was getting ridiculous with how many guys he dated that didn’t last. Beacon Hills didn't have an endless surplus of eligible bachelors. Eventually Stiles would have to start dating women again if this was the case. If Laura Hale wasn’t happily married with children, he would ask her to marry him. He could handle being a father instead of a mother. Technically he could be both, but that was really creepy. His kids would probably be deformed if he used his own sperm to impregnate himself. Just creepy.

Stiles laid his head down on the table. It wasn't appropriate to mope in the teachers’ lounge, but Stiles was past the point of propriety. However, the table was jostled when Laura Hale sat down. She had kept her last name when she got married, and Stiles felt even worse that she was so amazing when he was bemoaning the fact that he was alone and childless. Laura ruffled his hair before frowning. "Another bad break up?"

Stiles closed his eyes. "Apparently my feet are too cold at night. Although maybe they would've been warm if he hadn’t hogged the covers all the time,” Stiles complained. “I always find the worst people to date."

Laura giggled. "Don’t let Derek hear that. It’s been almost sixteen years and he still thinks he has the worst luck."

Stiles sat up. "Well Kate Argent did try to kill your whole family. And then she committed suicide and blamed it all on Derek in her suicide letter. But really," Stiles grabbed Laura's hands, "what would I do if the fire had actually happened?"

"Oh please." Laura rolled her eyes. Stiles had been giving her this speech since the moment he started working at the elementary school and she shared his lunch with him.

"No, Laura. If you weren’t here, who would teach the sixth grade class? Who would sit with me at lunch time? Who would write funny notes during staff meetings? And who would redirect all the creepy soccer moms at PTA meetings?" Stiles sighed. "You’re my favorite werewolf."

Laura yanked her hand away. "You little liar."

Stiles smirked. "Okay, Scott's my favorite. But you're my favorite female werewolf."

Laura smiled before taking a bite of her casserole.

"But really Laura, all of my friends are married. All of them. After Isaac’s wedding last month, they're officially all in happy little relationships."

Laura shoveled some more of her casserole onto her spoon. "I doubt Jackson and Lydia are as happy as they say they are." Laura nudged the spoon against Stiles’ lips. “Here, eat. You’re too skinny.”

Stiles batted the spoon away, ignoring the pasta that flopped onto the floor. "That's beside the point. The point is, I'm single and they're busy being married and making babies."

Laura looked up at the mildewed ceiling. Someone should really do something about the leaks from when it rained. It was getting really gross. "Derek is still single."

Stiles burst out laughing. "Single? He's been on a self-restrained bout of celibacy for the last sixteen years. _Single_. That's like saying the pope is single."

Laura kicked Stiles' shin. "Derek is only thirty six years old and completely available. Plus we can’t let all those good genes go to waste."

Stiles froze. "Oh my god, Laura. You're totally right."

Laura beamed. "Of course I'm right. I'm always right."

Stiles fumbled with his phone. "This is the best idea ever."

Laura frowned. "Stiles, what are you doing?"

"Readjusting to a new life plan."

"Stiles," Laura whined. She had just been trying to talk up her brother, but whatever Stiles had in mind with Derek was probably way more than just a dinner and a movie. “I think I misspoke.” Laura wasn't sure she wanted to be around when Stiles told Derek his great idea.


	2. Chapter 2

Derek stared at the brochures littering Stiles’ coffee table. Stiles had asked him to come over to his apartment, but Derek was still pretty confused when he sat down on the couch. "Artificial insemination?"

Stile snatched the brochure out of Derek's hands. "You were supposed to read them from left to right."

Derek nodded and grabbed the leftmost brochure.

"So, I brought you here today because while you are a completely against being in a relationship, which I fully support, I know you want kids," Stiles explained.

Derek glared at Stiles.

"I've heard Lydia sing songs of praise about your babysitting technique, so don't play dumb," Stiles said pointedly. "And look, I really want kids, but I'm pretty sure I'll end up single and alone. But on the other hand, I don’t mind being single if I get to be a parent. So look, we can go to the doctor's office, he can inject your semen into me, and then voila, a baby! And you can see the kid whenever you want. We can have like an open door policy."

Derek eyed the brochure. “Why don’t you just find some anonymous donor?”

“Dude, how am I supposed to trust that those people are who they say they are!?” Stiles took a deep breath. “They could be murderers. Or drug addicts. Or sex addicts! Or all of the above! What if their sperm count is ridiculously low from them having too much sex and yet somehow I still end up pregnant and the child becomes a raging psychopath?”

“And so you decided to ask me? Because you know me so well, and we get along so perfectly,” Derek drawled.

“At least I know who you are. It’s not like I’ll accidentally be getting knocked up by some creeper,” Stiles replied. Though Derek was sort of a creeper as well. But he was a creeper that Stiles knew almost all his life, so he could look past Derek’s minor oddities. And Derek never had sex (at least according to Laura), so his sperm count would definitely be high. Unless he masturbated a lot. Then it could be low. But Derek definitely wasn’t a murderer or a drug addict, so major brownie points there. “Come on! I just want to have your babies,” Stiles whined.

_“Stiles!”_

“Sorry was that too forward?” Stiles bit his lip. “That was definitely too forward. This is why you shouldn’t just grab brochures. Totally threw me off. I even had a PowerPoint all ready. I should set that up. Or maybe I should just email it to you…”

“Did you even think this through?” Derek stood up from the couch. "What if the kid ends up being a werewolf?"

"Well isn't that really rare?" Stiles scratched his head. Most of the sites he looked at online reported that usually both parents needed to be werewolves or at least the ‘mother’ needed to be a werewolf in order to make that happen. But Stiles didn’t have any real life examples that argued against the information. Erica and Boyd were both werewolves, and their son was a werewolf. And of course Laura and Derek’s parents were both werewolves. And every other example in Stiles’ life worked exactly like the sites had listed. Allison wasn’t a werewolf, and neither were her children Olivia and Josh. Lydia wasn’t a werewolf, and neither was Max. Laura was a werewolf, and her four children were all werewolves.

However, Stiles knew it would be silly to pretend he would be part of the status quo. He was currently begging Derek Hale to be his baby daddy. Anything was possible at this point. But Stiles had already accepted that the child could be a werewolf, but still, it was super, super rare. “But that's why I'm insisting on like a joint custody sort of thing! You can take the kid on your days off and on some holidays and you can come over here whenever you want. We can work something out.” Stiles groaned. “I really, really should’ve had the PowerPoint set up when you got here.”

Derek scanned Stiles’ living room before his eyes landed on an old birthday card. “So if I wanted the child on Christmas, how would that work?”

“Well you could have him or her on Christmas Eve and I could get the kid Christmas Day. Or we could split Christmas day, and you could have the kid from 8 am to 2 pm, or you could have the kid from 2 pm to 8 pm. But since it’s not like we’re divorced and hate each other, we can be more flexible with the times,” Stiles offered.

"Sounds like a big mess." Derek reached the door, but Stiles grabbed his arm before Derek could turn the handle. After a moment, Stiles ran back to the coffee table and snatched up all the brochures.

"Here, just takes these." Stiles stuffed the brochures in Derek's hand. "And here, I made you key." Stiles grabbed a keychain out of his pocket. "If there were a child, you should be able to know that the child would be just as much yours as it is mine. And if the child is a werewolf, you could just stop by whenever you think it's important. Day before a full moon, day before a science fair, day of a soccer or baseball game. Anytime you want."

Derek wanted to say 'no' just to make Stiles flustered, but Stiles already looked so heartbroken. Derek didn't think he could handle watching Stiles cry. Derek didn’t really do well with feelings. "I’ll think about it," Derek gritted out.

Stiles' face immediately lit up. "Great! Great! Should I give you like a week? Or a few days maybe?"

“A _week_?” Derek scoffed. “Shouldn’t I be able to have a little more time than that to figure out if I want to have a child with you?”

"Oh, yeah, whenever is fine," Stiles gulped.

Derek sighed. "I have to discuss this with my family first. A child is big deal. After that, I'll let you know."

Stiles nodded. "Yeah, you go ahead and discuss that. Just plan away. It’s always better to look at all your options before you just, you know, jump into something."

"Stiles."

"What?"

"I'll let you know."

Stiles opened the door to the apartment. "Well yeah, good. But I mean, uh, go ahead and talk it out with your family."

Derek stared at Stiles. He looked and smelled like he was on the verge of tears. “I’ll consider it.”

Stiles nodded. "Great. Talk to you later." As soon as Derek stepped out of the door, Stiles slammed it shut. Derek tried to ignore any noises coming from Stiles' apartment. Derek definitely wasn't going to be swayed by Stiles blubbering like an idiot. That wasn't going to convince him to spend his life sharing some child with Stiles. It was just pathetic.

After a few minutes of driving back home, Derek pulled over to the side of the road to look at the brochures. At least Stiles was thorough. Handwritten notes were written in the margins and little post it notes we're tacked inside to direct Derek's attention to the most important aspects of artificial insemination.

Derek sighed. Stiles wasn’t asking for Derek to be in a relationship with him, but having a child together seemed a lot like the same thing. And Stiles was infuriating and stubborn, and Derek knew they would clash no matter what. But Stiles wasn’t Kate. Stiles just wanted a baby; he didn’t want to burn down a whole house. Derek could recognize the difference. And Derek had known Stiles since they were teenagers. Plus Laura thought Stiles was pure wholesome goodness. So there probably wouldn’t be anyone better than Stiles asking for Derek’s sperm to help make a baby.

Derek knew he would probably agree to it in the end. He wanted kids, but it wasn’t like he planned on settling down, and usually the only way to have kids is through some form of physical contact, which Derek avoided at all costs. But what Stiles was offering was probably the most suitable option for him. Derek would be able to father a child and yet he wouldn’t have to deal with being in some messy love affair with the child’s mother.

However, how Derek’s family would feel about it was an entirely different matter. He could just picture it now. His mother would think Derek was still afraid to love anyone completely, and his father would argue that Derek would never be completely happy being in such a peculiar situation with Stiles. But Derek didn’t want to be in any sort of intimate or sexual relationship. And Stiles was smart enough to not ever want to be emotionally attached to Derek. Stiles just wanted Derek’s sperm, and that was as much commitment as Derek could handle.

And it really was harder to get pregnant when using frozen semen, or so the brochure Derek was reading explained. A fresh sample of semen from a private donor increased the likelihood of the artificial insemination actually working. Stiles must’ve taken that into consideration. Derek grabbed another brochure to read through.

However, Laura would probably side with their mother. She thought Derek needed to stop punishing himself for Kate’s craziness, always arguing that the family was alive and well, and there were new nonrelated werewolves who strengthened their pack. But Laura thought Stiles was precious. She always talked about how she spent her lunches with Stiles. Derek paused from reading the brochure. That had to be why she was so quiet at the last family dinner. She probably knew Stiles was going to ambush him with this ridiculous idea. Derek would have to interrogate her to know what else Stiles had up his sleeve.

Though Peter was the wild card. He loved spending time with Stiles, thinking Stiles was hilarious, but that could go either way in Derek’s favor. Peter might see what Derek was doing as a cop out, and then the rest of the family would agree with him and try to dissuade Derek. And then Derek would either have to ignore his family’s advice, or make Stiles cry by telling him he wouldn’t be donating any sperm. Derek groaned. _Goddamn Stiles and his fucking tears._ Derek already knew who would be winning this argument. 


End file.
